The day after the "Spago Incident", Val got up with 'Alice Cooper Eyes' and a huge tease of Buckwheat bleach-blond hair. She looked so hungover, I swear I could see cartoon stars and arrows swirling around her "Rock of Love-esque" head.
I was ready to ease our hangover with some Bloody Mary's and eggs however Val had to head home and be a responsible mom once again. As she departed back to the OC, my sister and I waved goodbye, I still in my out of style "dragon tee" (sans bra) and some stained Juicy sweats.
My sister hadn't disowned me yet and she was still on the hook to take me to the Emmy Awards that night. We headed over to Hugo's for some breakfast. While my sister ordered some healthy egg whites and greens, I had some serious alcohol to soak up from the night before, had the Eggs Benedict and ate every last bit of it, washing it down with green tea as if there was anything to help the toxins in my system at this point. In LA, everyone weighs 100 lbs. In Texas, we are proud to say that three of our major cities are the fattest in the country. So, although I was eating everything in sight, I knew that once I left the city limits and headed back to Texas, I would be considered "thin".
My network-exec. sister and I headed off to get our hair done. My hair actually hurt from the massive hangover, but alas I was getting ready for the red carpet and as they say "beauty is pain." I dressed in a black spaghetti strap chiffon dress and some sequin and velvet Gucci slides which I justified the cost by telling my husband that he could bury me in them. My husband (who Val calls "Daddy Warbucks") also sprung for a pair of Gucci shoes for my sister as he must have known what was in store for her. Once ready, I felt like a real glamour girl as opposed to a retarded relative from out of town straggling along to the Emmy's. I owe it all to the shoes.
We had to park in a "Non-Playah" area (no Limos for us) and didn't get to do the entire Red Carpet (more like half). Nonetheless the security dudes with their Janet Jackson headsets quickly realized that we (me) were nobodies and tried hard to corral us into the theatre and off the esteemed Red Carpet ASAP. We didn't budge until Biggie Smalls gave us the "get inside or I will taser your ass" look. As we were rushed inside, I contemplated doing my Sister Mary Katherine Gallagher "Superstar" pose behind Stockard Channing as she got her photo taken, but decided to give my sister a break. As I strutted towards the theatre, my mouth was agape from seeing so many stars.
At the last minute our seats had been upgraded because some top executive couldn't make it. As we were escorted to 10th row, I kept thinking surely we will be found out as impostors and kicked out of our seats. JJ Abrhams was sitting in front of us, the entire cast of Lost behind us (Yep, behind us, and this was when LOST was all the rage, before "The Others"). Charlize Theron sat three rows ahead of us in a flapper dress and Gray's Anatomy's Ellen Pompeo was seated across the aisle. You have never seen someone so thin in your life. Let me tell you, after seeing Ellen Pompeo in person, I actually would share my fries with her. All of the sudden I could start to feel my spaghetti straps cutting into my shoulders and I was starting to feel not unlike Chynna Doll and Brooke Hogan's love child. When JJ Abrahms won the Best Drama award for LOST my big mug was behind him on camera all the while looking at myself on the Jumbotron resulting in an image of me cross eyed staring in the wrong direction, and furiously applauding while trying to be demure. Lucky for me I still have it on TIVO. It was very surreal and all of the sudden I was starting to feel VERY hungover.
After the Emmy's we made it over to the Governor's Ball. Still surrounded by people that eat nothing, I literally could not wait to ease my everlasting hangover with more food. When my bloody Beef Wellington arrived it was like a Golden Chalice had been put before me. I tried to eat slowly and be LA cool like "Oh food, whatever I can take it or leave it" but all the while wanting to snort my plate like it was cocaine put in front of Whitney and Bobby. Never mind that uber-thin celebrities like Heidi Klum, Shannon Elizabeth (ok not really a "star") and Carrie Underwood were walking past our table, I was NOT leaving a crumb behind. I finally felt human again and we headed to yet another party where they had free canapes and Dom Perignon (I only had a few).
The next day it was time to head back to Texas (and back to reality). After the Spago Incident, and the night at the Emmy's, I am sure my sister wanted to stick a foot in my Texas' ass and push me out the door at the airport, but I am pretty sure that Val and I gave her some great laughs that weekend.
-Parker
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