Tuesday, April 28, 2009

"I'm Sorry, We're All Out of Warm Nuts"

Years ago I went on many company trips for various sales awards and got to stay at such
hotels as The Ritz and the W in New York and Clift hotel in San Francisco. I would attend the company award lunches politely eating my endive and lobster salad doing my best not to drip dressing down the front of my Versace suit jacket. A few years ago our company, like many, was bought out and long story short that lobster and endive is now more like grocery store mayo based macaroni salad, the kind with the fake plastic bright green lettuce underneath. 

I recently won a trip to LA for selling let's just say,
a ton of shit. The trip covers a flight for 2 and hotel for 2 nights - but no specifics. I feared the worst and after a long process of paperwork and calls I finally heard from a third party travel agent. The woman that called me sounded not unlike Marge Simpson's sister Thelma. She proceeded to tell me my dates requested were not available but here are some other dates and I will be staying at a Doubletree in lovely Commerce, CA. Ummm, Commerce what the?? So my trip to LA isn't even in LA,  but in some outskirts suburb armpit of the city area? I immediately invisioned Daddy Warbucks flickering on a black light upon entering our room decked out in decor from 1984. 

Marge Simpsons's sister then proceeds to tell me I would be flying an airline I've never heard of (that we will call "air asshole") and that I would return to Dallas by way of Denver and arrive at 11 at night on a Monday night. She could hear my voice wavering as if someone told me I was going to a third world country to make a hut out of dung. She then curtly asked, "Well, where did you want to stay, because this is all there is." (because we all know how all the nice hotels in LA are filled up - with this great economy and all). I badly wanted to say "the friggen Hotel Bel Air beeatch." Instead, I basically told her this would not work and I would get back to her and her Camel unfiltered cigs later. For now, she could kiss my cornholio. 

Many emails later, after getting the higher ups involved I get a call from Bea Arthur (RIP Bea, I still love the Golden Girls) and she tells me the "good news". I can now fly Southwest and stay at a Sheraton that is actually
IN Los Angeles. Her boss even called me and told me that he would send me a few free drink coupons! I politely said 'Thanks' all the while thinking I'm not a "parrothead" so I won't be downing brewskys on Southwest nor do I want to dehydrate my skin first thing in the morning. He also told me that "Air Asshole" is (and I quote) "The bomb."

I may not have any warm nuts coming my way but at least I will be in California (I hope) and I'll get to see my sis and her boyfriend and Val and her hubby. Can't wait!

I went to Commerce, CA for a Sales Award and all I got was this crappy tee shirt:

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