Saturday, August 8, 2009

Can You Tighten That Spandex Up a Smidge?

Today I made my vigil to Target for school supplies and ended up buying a bikini. I don't usually shop for clothing at Target (but have been known to pick up a tee shirt now and then) - however buying a bathing suit at Target makes perfect sense because: Bathing suits are perhaps one of the most depressing, anxiety-producing purchases a woman can make. Why spoil it by spending a fortune at Neiman's or Everything But Water etc... Believe you me, no one at the beach is going to be checking out my "bathing suit" because instead they will be in a hallucinogenic trance from staring at the circular patterns of cellulite that travel in a spiral motion from my ass cheeks downward to the back of my knees. Ergo - spending a mere $24.99 on a bathing suit "suits me" just fine.

Of course I didn't try it on, because a Target dressing room (I imagine) is probably like entering a smelly foot locker with a fun-house mirror, carpet that hasn't been vacuumed since 1997, with 75% odds that there is a used baby diaper in the corner. I took home my Olive Green "Xhiliration" brand suit and tried it on in the comfort of my darkly lit bathroom. The top fit great, but the bottoms ? OH MY! First, unbeknownst to me, the bikini bottom came with it's own belt (with belt loops too!) Who is the genius that decided a BELT is a necessary accessory to something which by nature is constructed so that it WON'T fall down? FYI, that size "S" bikini bottom isn't going anywhere and adding a belt to it makes about as much sense as taking an Ex-Lax chaser after eating dinner at Taco Bell. There's just NO NEED.

In fact, if anything, I could have used a little MORE room. The bottom didn't even adequately cover the base of my butt cheeks. Hey Xhiliration people? How about you forego the "BELT" and add a little extra spandex down below?

And lastly, while I'm bitching, can someone tell my why when you buy a "healthy" snack like "Trail Mix," eat 95% of it and then decide to turn over the package to look at the nutrition facts, it reads "Calories: 140" (Yea!) and then (to your horror) you read further to discover that one small bag of "Trail Mix" consists of "5" servings, bringing the grand calorie total to 700 GODFORESAKEN calories? (By the way, I'm not even talking about the Trail Mix with the little generic M&M candies in it). For Jesus sake, the only time I could even fathom sharing bag of Trail Mix that small between 5 people would be if I was stranded atop the Andes after a plane crash and the only alternative would be eating the frozen-dead passengers that didn't survive the crash. Next time I'm at 7-11 and tempted to choose the "healthy" snack, I'm going for the 32 oz Mountain Dew and a Baby Ruth bar.


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