Wednesday, August 5, 2009

More (Crazy Ass Bitches) To Love


I just finished watching the TIVO'ed second episode of "More to Love," - a version of "The Bachelor" starring a heavy set guy (Luke) and a bevy of heavy set women all looking for love (on national tv, of course). Evidently the Fox network has decided that nothing makes for great Tuesday night television more than exploiting women who have the self esteem of a hunched back, three-eyed, shut-in who's been abused since birth.

Seriously? These girls are "overweight", not freaks of nature. The first 2 episodes have been little more than close ups of these women bitching and moaning about how no one has ever "loved them", how they were always "picked last" for the Red Rover game in 4th grade and how they've never been to the Prom. Well "boo frickin hoo" ladies. I've been to Disneyland, Costco a County Fair and on a Carnival Cruise to Mexico where I've seen women twice their size (and some of these ladies had a total dog face to boot) and yet THEY somehow managed to land a husband.

One girl in particular "Kristen" a 23 year old, doe-eyed teacher (who clearly comes from the land of Low Self Esteem) has already claimed to have fallen in love at first sight. Her overbearing neediness makes me just want to slap her upside the head and has prompted me to yell "Get a Grip Girlfriend" like 16 times so far.

But I digress, because how could "Kristen" resist the meaty, larger than life bachelor "Luke?" Luke is undoubtedly a catch for any woman: a 26 year old ex football player turned "real estate developer" which is code for not currently employed but I have my house on the market: "For Sale By Owner"). Not only is Luke a major success in life, he is also a "Majah Playah" who has MADE OUT with six of the girls so far (remember we are only 2 episodes in). Handing out long lingering sloppy kisses to these girls is like inviting Paula Abdul to a party with a Vicoden-filled Pinata. Once their lips have touched Luke's golden lips, they are all in a tizzy. In fact, I've taken to calling him 'Leo DiCaprio' because of his ways with the ladies. I've got news for ya gals: Luke is not really all that special. In fact his kissing-bandit-routine/sex-addict -tendencies/"hey ladies" grin make me wonder if he is not in fact some sort of super human created in a test tube with the combined sperm of of David Duchovney and Dom Deluise?

Naturally, since I'm 2 episodes in, I'm going to see this show through to the end. But to be honest, nothing would make me happier than if these girls took Luke to the Santa Monica Boardwalk, dumped his ass over the side and went on a cotton candy spree while the theme song from the Mary Tyler Moore Show played in the background.
-val

Below a "don't miss clip" of Luke doing his best imitation of DiCaprio at a model's convention:
Obviously the words "I think Yes" makes the ladies melt like butter...mmmm butter.




1 comment:

Jenni said...

FOR REAL!!!!!!!

They showed that clip on The Soup, and I was totally skeeved out!!!! Seriously man, I was the freak of my school too, but I turned out okay. You don't see me bawling on TV looking to get sloppy seconds with some unemployed sex addict. These girls are kinda fat, not freaks. This isn't the Hunchback looking for love or "I Love New York".

What's next? I betcha ABC is gonna come out with the opposite, with fat guys looking for overweight ladies. Or maybe that's gonna be Fox's next season of More To Love, which premieres right after this one ends.

I blame Survivor and The Real World for this mess.