Friday, November 6, 2009

The New Housewives Have Jumped the Shark (but I'm still watching...).

My family has staged an "intervention" and won't let me watch the "Real Housewives of Orange County", but unbeknownst to them I've TIVO'd it and watched under the cover of darkness (ok - during the day while kids are at school and Tom is working). Like a bad crack habit, I hate myself for doing it, but I can't help but watch. Below, a brief running commentary:

I see that Vicky is back with her two ungrateful annoying children, and goodie they are going to go skydiving. Yawn...unless the shoot fails to open, I have no interest in this.

Jeanna is back and her youngest son is now the "voice of reason" in this econimical downturn. Because 16 year old Orange County boys really do have a grasp of the way the world works when it comes to budgeting. Sadly his car (BMW? Audi?) needs a new clutch and Jeanna doesn't know where she's going to get the $2k to fix it. As she says this, I can't help but look at the pink-faced Rolex on her tanned sausage arms and yell "Ebay, Jeanna, Ebay."

Gretchen is cleaning out her garage. So good to know that the red Harley that her dying sugar daddy bought her over a year ago is still in the garage with a blanket over it. She later tells us (several times throughout the show) that her deceased 65 year-old fiance sent "Slade" to her from beyond the grave. Okay, honey, let me tell you something. I'm pretty sure that your dead ex fiance didn't send a creepy, opportunistic slut man, 20 years his junior to "save you from your sadness." And after seeing this, I say to my own husband: if you should ever pass on (god forbid) and decide to send a replacement man, please dear god don't send SLADE.

Tamra is back with her husband Simon (who finally is wearing something age appropriate that doesn't look like it just leaped of the Hot Topic clearance shelf). He is also about 400 times more grouchy this season, which I attribute to his poor decision to quit his high paying job as a Sales Manager at the local Mercedes Benz dealership and instead start his own homemade Tequila business. Another bright idea in today's economy.  As for Tamra, I don't have a lot to say about her  expect when she cries about how her house is now worth less that what she owes on it, I want to scream, "Welcome to the club, cutie." Tamra lives about a mile up the road from me and we are all pretty much f*!ked when it comes to house values right now.

Lastly is Lynn. Lynn is gloating about how successful her "Cuff" jewelry line is. Seriously? A successful Cuff line? I live in Orange County and have never seen anyone wear a cuff (except the time a few years back when Parker was reliving her teens and bought a terry-cloth cuff that said "BLink 182" on it. I gave her shit for weeks.) Meanwhile Lynn's "Cuffs" are a hot mess of leather and metal with rhinestone hearts glued on. Hey Lynn, a 1990's rap video called and wants its look back.

The show ends with a dinner and "trunk show" of Lynn's hideous cuffs at the St. Regis resort (who have obviously bartered a free dinner with unlimited Turning Leaf chardonnay for the ladies in return for some free publicity - hence the close up on the hotel's name about a dozen times). If anything, it was worth sitting through the entire show just to watch the blank expression on Lynn's face as Gretchen and Tamra hurl insults across the table at each other. The show abruptly comes to an end with the dreaded words "To Be Continued...."  but not before Jeanna interrupts Gretchen mid verbal bitch-slap to ask her, "Are you going to finish that Mac & Cheese?" Hey, in this economy you gotta get your meals when you can.

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