Friday, November 20, 2009

Where the Hell is My Butterfly Confetti?

It's no secret that Mariah Carey is a diva with crazy demands everywhere she goes. It might even be justified if it were say, 1995. But someone needs to remind Mariah that it's 2009, she is 40 and it's time to grow the fu*k up. First and foremost, she should start by eliminating all spandex mini dresses from her closet. Everyone knows that Heather Locklear is the only over-40 year old who can get away with spandex minis. But what really chaps my hide is her recent list of demands during a Christmas tree lighting in London. The fact that she is willing to do a Christmas Tree Lighting at a Westfield mall should be her first clue that high-priced demands might be unreasonable. But we all know that Mariah lives in a world of sparkle, butterflies and free flowing champagne, so it makes perfect sense that she demanded the following for her mall appearance:
  • One hundred white doves and 20 white kittens surrounding her (health officials said no)
  • Indoor fireworks display
  • Pink Carpet and Pink Podium
  • Sparkly wand (to wave at her minions?)
  • 80 security guards
  • Pink and white butterfly-shaped confetti
  • $330,000 nightclub after-party, decorated with white roses, white drapes and vanilla candles
  • A chauffeured Rolls Royce 
  • $80,000 worth of Angel Champagne
You could cut this list in half and it still would be completely ridiculous. What the hell is "Angel Champagne" and can it possibly beat Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill in a taste test? Doesn't Mariah know that doves shit everywhere and kittens by nature are feral and at the first chance they get will make a run for the nearest 'Hot Topic', curl up and fall asleep in the "Team Edward" tee shirt bin? The sparkly magic wand I totally get because who wouldn't want a wand during an appearance at a mall?

Of course this got me thinking about all the demands I might have should someday I be lucky enough to be crowned master of ceremonies at a highway opening or the host a ribbon cutting ceremony at the local Quiznos. So, here it goes: Below are my dressing room/demands for any future appearances:
  • A leopard-print Snuggie bedazzled with 5,000 Swarovski Crystals
  • A 7-11 Slurpee Machine (with both Coca-Cola and Wild Cherry flavors)
  • Neil Diamond's Greatest Hits and Men At Work's first album on constant rotation
  • One unused, pristine "Inside the Egg Egg Scrambler" from Ronco (just to mess with them)
  • A Sharper Image $3500 Massage Chair
  • A bottle of Smirnoff Pomegranite Vodka (to mix with the Slurpee)
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