Updates from the Command Post

I haven't been committing myself to my Michael Jackson command post (aka sitting on my large chocolate brown sofa, perched in front of my tv with  CNN blaring and  a MacBook on my lap). However, over the past few days I have learned a few interesting facts that may or may not be true about The King of Pop:

• At the time of his death, Michael Jackson was 5'11" and approx 115 lbs. It is just wrong that I am 5'2" and actually weigh more than a 5'11" black man. I read that Michael's ribs were broken when the doctor attempted to give him CPR. Meanwhile, anyone attempting to give me CPR would just have their hands sink into a virtual pile of marshmallow fluff.
• Its now coming to light that Michael was not the biological father of his three children. Well no shit. I never would have guessed that Prince Michael with his albino hair was sired by another man. 
• Bubbles the chimp is still alive and well living in a chimp sanctuary in Florida. Poor Bubbles, just a pawn in Michael's late 80's publicity stunt and thrown away like a used glove.
• I also read that Michael was completely bald at the time of his death. You mean that sleek soccer mom hair style was a wig all along? 
• Joe Jackson (Michael's abusive father) is a jack ass (promoting his lame record company the day after Michael's death) and is a complete moron (announcing that "every country in the US loved Michael). His eyebrows also make him look like a drunk Satan wandering the earth.
• Lou Ferrigno (or as Larry King repeatedly called him "Lou Ferragamo"; does he make leather goods on the side?) is a total publicity whore (who knew?). The Hulkster has been on no less than 50 news programs over the past week and has not once neglected to mention that not only was he buddies with Michael (who worked out with Lou while wearing a black tux - normal) but that he may be on next season's "Dancing with the Stars." Hey Lou - book yourself on the Insider a few more times with your tales of Michael on the exercise ball and you're a shoe in for the Dancing show!
• Corey Feldman and Michael Jackson had a falling out on September 10, 2001. Corey however has remained silent and won't comment on what they argument was about. Jesus Christ, can someone (TMZ, I'm talking to you!) get to the bottom of this so that I can sleep at night?