This weekend, like half of Southern California, I sauntered down to Costco for my monthly ration of toilet paper and fruit roll ups. Anyone who's been to Costco on a Saturday can relate. It's like trying to push a ginormous metal cart through LaLaPalooza. The only difference of course is that the customers at Costco move at the pace of slowly sinking polar ice caps. They meander through the aisles looking at the merchandise as if they were at the Louvre, studying the simplistic brush strokes of the Mona Lisa. "For Crying out loud," I want to scream, "Make up your mind. It's either the multi-pack of Chips A'Hoy or the giant barrel of individual sized Mrs. Fields. Either way, you're getting a bargain. Move on! Move on!"
And don't get me started on the samples available on every aisle. No, I don't want to sample the Kirkland brand Orange Marmalade and I certainly don't need to purchase the 4 gallon jar of it (even if it is only $7.99). But, inevitably the 400 lb lady in front of me does want to stop and sample everything. I'd love go around her if only there wasn't a slow moving man with a twin-sized mattress and 65-inch Vizio flat screen coming at me in the opposite direction at a whopping 2 feet per second.
Of course there is a lot to love about Costco. Where else can you get enough toilet paper to take you through a nuclear winter for the low cost of $17.99? Not to mention a sexy Liz Claiborne velour hoodie (always in style) for a mere $12.00? And who can resist the 7 foot package of ready made, freezer burnt hamburger patties that will have your family begging for more?
This weekend, I resisted all the past-season fashions and frozen meat. I even just-said-no to the tantalizing Kirkland "Champagne" (see mouthwatering picture). Yet I still managed to come home with $208 worth of snacks and toiletries, trying desperately to find storage space for my 60 new rolls of paper towels and 47 chocolate pudding cups.
Until next month Costco - I bid you adieu.