A Fine Wine some Dancing and Less than Zero...

I'm off to a slow start today for so many reasons. Last night my hubby and I walked over to the local Pizza Parlor/Pub for a quick drink. I ordered a glass of Pinot Grigio and I knew I was in trouble when she pulled out a gallon-sized jug of wine. I'm not a big wine snob, but typically when wine comes in a jug or a box you can bet your bum that its no award winner. I channeled my inner 18-year old palette and managed to get through a glass (with only a slight dry heave as I downed the last drop). My smart hubby stuck with tap beer, but I thought I'd mix it up a bit and try the Merlot. Once again I knew it was a mistake when the bartender asked if I wanted the "House" Merlot or their "premium". I threw caution to the wind and went with the "premium" - which turned out to be "Fetzer Merlot." Last time I checked you could purchase a bottle of Fetzer at any corner 7-11 for about $4.99. If Fetzer is their "premium" what on earth is the house wine- sewer water? Needless to say I woke up at 5 am this morning with a mouth that tasted like ass.

Speaking of the bad stuff - I got up this morning ready to clean house and lo and behold turned on the TV and "Less Than Zero" is on. Now how can anyone be expected to clean house when "Less than Zero" is on?  I'm at the part where Julian (Robert Downey Jr.) is telling James Spader (the best bad ass character actor of the eighties) that he's ready to go on the straight and narrow. But we all know that James Spader will never stand for that and immediately dangles a crack pipe in front of Julian and sends him off to work in a room full of gays.  Meanwhile Andrew McCarthy (always the do-gooder) pouts his way through the entire film.  I could watch this movie on a constant loop for an entire day - it never gets old.

Lastly, I missed Dancing with the Stars, but luckily found this clip of Kate Gosselin's performance last night. My first thought is "Sometimes the tabloids don't get it wrong: she really is a major bitch." Secondly, I'm pretty sure I could dance better than her if I was in a full body cast.  

Put the Label on the Table (and tell Bill Blass and Calvin Klein to F-Off while you're at it)

I considered writing about the Jessie James/Sandra Bullock scandal, but personally I find this much more entertaining.
From the WTF files, here is a video that captures the epitome of the 1980's. If you didn't grow up during that decade, you might not relate, but if you were a child of the 80's, you might just be mesmerized.






Mr. T's prolific commentary during the "fashion show" (secret warehouse pedophile meeting?) really puts the icing on the cake. Lines like," Here's Zena and Xena from San Bernidina"; "Here's Marta in her graffiti-inspired tank top, catching the A Train to fashion. She's a real 'hot dog'"and "Hey, that was great. I like that, don't you?" Best of all, at the end of the video he basically tells Calvin Klein and Bill Blass to go F-themselves and encourages us to "Put the label on the table and wear your own name." I'm headed upstairs to my closet right now, Mr T!

Catch Mr. T's reaction from behind as he watches model "Manny" break dance. It really makes me uncomfortable. He's right about Janine, however. She does look cool as a "peppermint ice cream." Damn, I'm never going to get that Casio synthesizer "new wave" song out of my head.
-Val

Why I Shouldn't Make Fun of the Idiot teenage daughters from the Real Housewives or the Rolling Stoned

On last nights Idol, which was "Rolling Stones" night, I had my fingers crossed that someone would sing "Start Me Up" for no other reason than I wanted to hear one of them belt out the line: "you make a dead man cum" (yes this is an actual line in the song. You can't say Mick isn't romantic). Sadly no one sang that tune, but I must admit unlike many people I knew the words to every single one of those freaking songs. I owe this to my mom who had the Stone's double album "Hot Rocks" on constant rotation during my childhood. She loved the Stones so much that on a trip back from Mexico, the song "Honky Tonk Woman" came on and she pulled the car over, got out and started dancing on the side of the highway with her sister. I sat in back, redfaced and ashamed. I'm a big fan of the Stones as well, but have never seen them in concert. Luckily Parker has (sort of). Here's her experience:

At the ripe age of 19 in the late 80s my college boyfriend and I went to see the Stones at the Superdome in New Orleans. My dad had gotten us tickets and to my surprise the two people sitting next to us were his company Sales Manager and wife - who my parents were also great friends with, and still are to this day. Being an appropriate, well-mannered and mature teenager , I proceeded to smoke a big fat joint right next to them . I thought perhaps if I didn't look their way or blow my smoke in their direction they wouldn't notice. Yes, I'm a genius.

They never spilled the beans on me and I was watching American Idol last night I don't recognize any of the songs. Either its that all the contestants thus far are horrible, or it was that giant Cheech and Chong spliff I sucked down at that concert. I do remember Mick dry humping a plastic blow up doll on stage and no I was not dropping acid. For that concert anyway. -parker

Happy Leprechaun Day

Hopefully most of you are sober enough to read. I turned on the local news at 7:00 am and a reporter was interviewing some overly excited and completely wasted people at a Los Angeles Bar. I love a good drink now and then but can't ever imagine a scenario where I would/could be drunk at 7 am (unless I was 19 again and still drunk from the night before. That is/was totally plausible). But then amidst the drunkards I saw something that actually made me jump back a bit. The bar had hired a midget (oops! I mean "little person") to dress up like a leprechaun and hide throughout the bar while the revelers searched for him. What really bothered me was that he was African-American (perhaps African-Irish) and some genius decided it would be smart to paint his face green. The result was anything but green. This poor little leprechaun man was the exact same color as the mystery-bruise I have on my right thigh. In fact, he looked not unlike the dancing California Raisins from back in the day.

I haven't been able to stop thinking of the purple leprechaun, because I can only imagine the kind of ridicule and torture that he has endured today. I know from experience that drunk people can be cruel (you can ask Parker who once dry-humped a Sponge Bob in Times Square). Anyhoo, here's hoping he's well paid and can enjoy a nice frosty green beer when his Leprechaun shift is over.

In the meantime, Happy St. Patty's Day - please enjoy this amazing video from a few years back. Apparently Leprechaun's are real. Who knew?

Cirqe de la "Kiss my Ass"

With "Spring Break" just around the corner, our family still has not planned our vacation. Last year we braved the elements in a 24-foot RV, and while it was great to get-back-to nature, we simply aren't what you would called a rugged family. After day four I smelled like a bonfire and I just don't do well with river sand in my bed at night.

I came 'this-close' to booking a 5 day cruise to Mexico but naturally the procrastinator in me took over. Good thing too, considering Americans are being shot left and right in the streets of Mexico. Sure we'd probably be safe snorkeling off the coast of Cabo - but you never know when a drug dealer with a vendetta might feel the need to do some "American Spearfishing."

A few days ago we bit the bullet and settled on Vegas. Despite the fact that we have some comp rooms at one of the nicest hotels in town, I'm sure we will still manage to blow a shitload of cash on food, drinks and other stuff (i.e. overpriced hotel gift shop crap for the kids). One of the main reasons for our trip is to see the "Beatles Love" Cirque de Soleil show. Turns out that these tickets start at $155 each, and we are taking the kids. Those Cirque de Soleil acrobatic fuckers better be able to spin on their fingertips while their big toe is stuffed in their ass during "Strawberry Fields Forever" for the $600 we'll be shelling out. Seriously, somebody in a blue body suit better be giving me a foot rub while attending to my martini-drip during the ENTIRE show.

The rest of the time I plan on lounging poolside with my "not ready for summertime" body, a margarita in my left hand, my Kindle in my right while screaming at my kids to stop splashing. Who knows, perhaps Tom and I will feel adventurous and get our vows renewed at the drive-thru Elvis chapel.

You Give Fat A Bad Name

It's not nice to make fun of overweight people, but this gal (or guy?) is one of the reasons why so many people do. I'm not a psychologist like Gretchen from the Real Housewives (you'll get this if you saw part one of last night's Reunion Show) but I have a few theories about this crazy character in the fishnet onsie:

Theory #1: This sad fashionista was never breast fed or had that oh-so-important bonding time with mom immediately after birth.

Theory #2: She (he?) was one of those desperate-for-attention drama nerds in high school who never got the attention she deserved (or the lead in Godspell!). You know what I'm talking about because every high school had one. Ours actually took a headless mannequin in a tuxedo to prom when she wasn't invited by a real boy. Meanwhile, no one asked me, but I was rational enough to show up and hide out on the 3rd level of the atrium hotel and peak over the balcony every 5 minutes to check out the arrivals and silently hurl insults about their Jessica McClintock dresses. Instead of a mannequin, I brought a bottle of Boonesfarm with a plastic neon curvy straw.

Theory #3: She/He went rogue and quit taking her meds. Lord help me if I stop taking my meds - this could be me in a matter of weeks.

PS - this pic came from dlisted.com . Lord only knows where he got it from.

American Idol is Killing Me Softly with it's Song

I've been an American Idol fan since season 1 and, as a die-hard couch potato, I will probably continue to watch long after the original hosts are gone and it is a sad hollowed-out shell of a show hosted by Hall & Oates, Samantha Fox and the lead singer from Color Me Bad.

But something is really missing so far this season and I can't quite put my finger on it. I tried to watch last night, I really did. But it was (insert English accent here): "dreadfully boring" to say the least. If I wanted to listen to tortured college aged singers strumming their guitars during open mike night at the local coffee house.....well that would just never happen, but you get the drift. Sure, Crystal Bowersox has some chops and once they give her some ultra white Chiclet teeth she might even have some star power. But, in my humble opinion, there aren't any real power players in the bunch. Ironically, immediately after Idol, Fox played a repeat from last season's "Glee" which made me wonder, "why can't they get someone of that caliber to be on Idol?"

At least last year they had Adam Lambert and Alison Iri-something-or-other, who both could belt out the tunes like they were on fire. Maybe its still too early in the season to tell. Perhaps there is a hidden Lady GaGa or Freddy Mercury somewhere in the bunch. But in the meantime, American Idol is killing me softly with its song(s).

Lost Boy Indeed....RIP Cory Haim

So I awoke this morning and I must have had a "One of the Corey's is Dead" vibe because I immediately picked up the computer (I usually wait till I've had my first Pepsi or arrive at work before surfing the net) to find that Corey Haim will never be renewing his "The Two Corey's" contract, because alas he is dead. Authorities suspect drugs were involved. You don't say? Also, I love this picture because you know he probably just shot up a shitload of heroin with Judd Nelson right before it was taken

Obviously the first thing I did was run like a bat out of hell to get my Blackberry and text Parker. For those of you who don't know, we have an ongoing competition to out-scoop each other on celebrity deaths. I totally nailed her with Brittany Murphy, but unfortunately she scooped me by a whopping 5 minutes with the Corey Haim death. In all fairness she is 2 hours ahead in Dallas, so I deserve some kind of handicap for the time difference, and if anything, we should call this one a draw. Yet another reason why we are going to hell.

Now back to Corey and his staggering genius of work: Of course he will always be remembered for Lost Boys, which was the "Twilight" of my generation. But I'm more partial to his lighthearted role in "License to Drive", which also starred a young Heather Graham. Crap, I watched that movie probably 6 times on cable over the years, so maybe his death is Karma for the 12 hours of life he took away from me. Ok, I may have gone a bit too far with that last sentence - OD's are never really funny.

Of course we all know what the "Death of Corey #1" (or is he #2?) means: The other Corey (the one who always had greasy long hair, no upper lip and dressed like Michael Jackson for a good 7 years during the late 80's and 90's) is going to come out of the woodwork and work this publicity harder than Heidi and Spencer. I expect to see him on "The Insider" panel tonight (in Micheal Jackson leather garb and one sparkly glove) with a crocodile tear and harrowing stories of his days with Haim and how "He Tried to Save Him." Ironically, "How He Tried to Save Him" will also be the headline on the next "In Touch", "People" and "US" magazine with a pic of the two in their Lost Boys garb. Obviously, I'll totally scoop up those rag magazines and maybe shed a tear or two for losing another 1980's memory.

Oscar Fallout. Where the Hell Was Farrah (and Leah Thompson)?

We have to admit that by some strange twist of fate, the Live Oscar blog got us more clicks on our site then ever before. Maybe there is something to doing an off-the-cuff live blog. One thing you won't catch us "live blogging" is tonight's episode of "The Bachelor: Jason and Molly Get Married." I'd find more enjoyment watching two Jim Henson mute finger puppets walking down the aisle then this hot mess.

Now back to the Oscars. I missed a few things last night (I blame glass of wine #3), but most importantly was the absence of Farrah Fawcett during the We're Dead! montage. The Oscar producers didn't think twice about throwing up a picture of a 100 year old man who designed costumes on "Tootsie", but to leave Farrah out is simply unconscionable. Hell, they gave John Hughes a 10 minute brat-pack memorial (although noticeably absent was Leah Thompson who's shift at Waffle House didn't end until 11:00). Many will argue that Farrah was mostly a television actress and had no business being honored, but those people have obviously never seen Farrah's most riveting work in the 1976 classic "Logans Run".

I watched that movie a zillion times on HBO back in the day. When you're 7-years-old, a movie about killing people once they reach the age of 30 totally makes sense. If I could do a remake of "Logan's Run" today (and let's face it, someone is going to do it), I'd stick with the same plot but instead of people over the age of 30 being killed, I'd substitute them for any person to ever appear on a VH1 reality show (and all of the Bachelors).

For those of you young ones who have never seen Logan's Run - or those who weren't latch-key kids wthat came home from elementary school and watched HBO from 3:00 - 7:30 every night, here is a clip of Farrah at her finest: RIP Farrah.

PS: And those of you who can't get enough of 1970's cheesy flicks, please check out this memoir of Parker's experience as a child actor on the set of the disaster blockbuster "The Swarm" (starring Micheal Caine and Katherine Ross).

Click here to read!

Live Oscar Blogging (Sort of)

My first thought as the celebs arrive is that James Cameron's wife Suzy Amis (the one he dumped Linda Hamilton for) is severely anorexic. I therefore scream at the television "Eat a sandwich Suzy" as if she will hear me 60 miles away. Seriously, I'm not sure how old she is but her lack of nutrition has made her look 65 if she's a day.

Loving Alec and Steve and their sarcastic banter. Also the stage looks beautiful and classy. Ok now more sarcasm.

I am praying that someone will trip over their pink sparkly trains and bite it onstage.

The tribute to John Hughes made me cry (the 3rd glass of wine is not helping). My kids are looking at me and wondering why watching Ferris Bueller pay tribute to a dead director is making me teary eyed but as someone who would love to write a movie someday, they just don't get it. Holy Jesus Ally Sheedy got old and Judd Nelson clearly is living in a crack den off the I-5 is in south Los Angeles. Anthony Michael Hall clearly found a steroid dealer and Duckie is still an uber-nerd

Does Ben Stiller always pick the short straw when it comes to presenting in ridiculous costumes? Hey Ben, there's this thing called "pride" - you should look it up sometime.

Are Rachel McAdams and Elizabeth Banks the same people? I'm pretty sure they are. Jake Gyllenhall is rumored to be super-gay, which makes me sad because his puppy dog eyes aren't gay at all.

Taylor Hackford (husband of Helen Mirren) director extraordinaire once told me that if I moved to New york he'd put me in movie. I chose instead to waitress at a seafood restaurant in an upscale resort, because the cash is soooo much better.

When is Penelope Cruz going to learn some god damned English??

I would kill a homeless person in exchange for Meryl Streep's understated amazing square pave diamond earrings. Shit, I might even kill Meryl herself for those earrings.

Monique just won (once again does this mean she will no longer host "Charm Academy"?). If she can wear a white gardenia in her hair, I hope she can take the next step and shave her cankle legs.

Best Dressed? Nicole Richie, Cameron Diaz and Carrie Mulligan. I love Sarah Jessica Parker, but not a fan of her vintage Chanel or her 4 loaves of bread attached to her tiny Botox head. Speaking of Botox, where the hell is Nicole Kidman and Renee "I just sucked a lemon face" Zellwiger?

Crying men have no business onstage - I'm talking to you "almost lost my life" Avatar "Art Direction" dude.

When are they going to get to the dead people montage? I need another good cry..

Charlize Theron may be the most beautiful women on the planet, but that's no excuse for the rose-bud booby dress she's wearing. I don't care if Gianni Versace stepped down from heaven to make it for her, it's just not right.

Just got a comment from Sara Smile (thank you) and a new reader "Bruce". Not sure it it's Bruce Jenner (stepfather of the Kardashians) but either way always excited to have a new reader!!!

The "In Memoriam" always gets me. Just show me an old writer or a young cute actress who died of a prescription overdose and I am a babbling idiot. Watching adorable Brittany Murphy on the screen of death will def. make me think twice next time I reach for my migraine medicine or my barbarities.

Oscars are in the midst of the music awards which while important, are always a good excuse for the following: going to the bathroom; refilling my glass of Pinot Noir, making Pillsbury bake and eat sugar cookies.

Oh great, Gerad Butler and Bradley Cooper. Why don't they just say the "Herpes twins"?

I wish Kathleen Bigalow would plant an IED under James Cameron's seat (with a timer set to 2 minutes). I'm sure a bunch of money would explode and the house would go crazy.

Jason Bateman is onstage. I have to admit the 1980's sitcom "Its Your Move" was GENIUS. He'll never live up to that kind of comedy...

So happy "The Cove" won!! Nothing says Oscar like saving Dolphins from killers. Also Fisher Stevens was robbed for his work in "Short Circuit" so tonight he get's his due. Sadly, Parker and I both emailed each other about Fisher Stevens and his relationship with Michelle Pfieifer 25 years ago. We need a life.

Is it Keanu Reeves or Stephen Hawking? Seriously Keanu needs to stay at home and smoke his bong in lieu of announcing "best movie" nominees. Hurt Locker should win (just so I can yell "SUCK IT CAMERON" to my 50 inch Pioneer Plasma TV). But can't they get someone with brains like Zach Efron or one of the Bachelors to announce "The Hurt Locker"?

Quentin Taranto just smoked a bowl of crack of in the green room with Keanu Reeves or maybe Talyor Lautner. No other excuse for the amount of sweat pouring off his 10 foot chin.

Avatar Smavatar, I don't even want to see that movie. I would rather "The Crazies" take home best Oscar (see previous blog).

By the way my new Botox doesn't hold a candle to this super-powered Hollywood Botox that the stars get. I clearly need to head on up to Hollywood for a dose of the pure stuff because I still have a bit of a frown line and that shit just don't fly down here in the OC.

Michelle Pfeifer clearly lives in a Barometric chamber that delivers a nonstop stream of pure Oxygen. Fisher Stevens and his Oscar are shitting in their pants right now. Jeff Bridges? He didn't get the memo about the Barometric chamber...

Morgan Freeman and his freckles are nominated. Saw Morgan at the Four Seasons Beverly Hills last year - damn I regret not putting down my martini and dry humping him on the spot - just for shits and giggles. Oh well, he's totally going to lose to Jeff "crinkle face" Bridges. He just won - total payback for not winning for "StarMan" in the early 1980's.

Everyone's makeup is melting - can we get this show on the road? Just give the Oscar to Sandra Bullock already and move on. MOVE ON, I say...OK how can't you love "Precious" and her 27 yards of satin fabric. She is soo excited to be there. Too bad she's going to lose to Sandra - it's all good however, because she'll totally be doing bongs with Woody Harrelson at the Spago party in about 25 minutes. And then totally munching on spicy Sushi immediately after.

Pre-Oscar Babble

I'm going to attempt to do a "live" Oscar post later, although I'm about to crack open a bottle of Pinot Grigio so no promises. Yesterday my son and I went to see "Shutter Island" and in an unfortunate twist of fate (long story) ended up seeing "The Crazies." I have to admit that despite my guilty pleasure of zombie movies and disaster flicks, it was painful handing $18 for two ppl and saying out loud, "two for 'The Crazies'". Even more painful: the $21 for popcorn, nachos and 2 cokes. Needless to say it was another predictable slasher movie and it took every ounce of will power for me not to yell out: "That IS Crazy!!!" every time someone got impaled with a bloody pitchfork. Call me Crazy, but this film probably won't be up for any Oscars come next year at this time.

Speaking of Oscars, I haven't seen most of the films nominated for the Best Movie Oscar (not even Avatar) so I bucked down and reluctantly watched "The Hurt Locker" today. It really was a edge of your seat kind of movie and no one can resist a renegade, adrenaline-addicted soldier with a heart of gold. Without giving too much away, the movie ended with the soldier realizing that coming home to his wife and son is a let down and he signs up for another tour of duty. The movie ended with room for a sequel, which I think should be titled: "Hurt Locker 2: Electric Boogaloo."

As far as "best movie" goes, I'm personally am rooting for anything other than Avatar. Only because James Cameron seems like a world class A-hole, with more money than God.

I'll Have What She's Having....

I'm only 40 and don't even have 1/4 of the energy of this gal. She is my new hero. I'd like to think that 39 years into the future, Parker and I will be Granny DJ's at some space station bar orbiting Mars (It will probably be named something corny like "Out of this World" or the "Mars Bar"). Needless to say, we would totally ditch the green satin jacket and blu blockers (although her earrings are quite fetching). Also, like DJ Granny, you might catch a few forehead wrinkles on me by the time I'm 79 (although I did just cave in and do the Botox thing because my husband told me I frown even when I'm sleeping.) Parker on the other hand will still have major Nicole Kidman forehead until the day she dies and long into the afterlife. We may also have to adapt English accents because that really elevates her coolness to a whole new level....