Sunday, March 7, 2010

Live Oscar Blogging (Sort of)

My first thought as the celebs arrive is that James Cameron's wife Suzy Amis (the one he dumped Linda Hamilton for) is severely anorexic. I therefore scream at the television "Eat a sandwich Suzy" as if she will hear me 60 miles away. Seriously, I'm not sure how old she is but her lack of nutrition has made her look 65 if she's a day.

Loving Alec and Steve and their sarcastic banter. Also the stage looks beautiful and classy. Ok now more sarcasm.

I am praying that someone will trip over their pink sparkly trains and bite it onstage.

The tribute to John Hughes made me cry (the 3rd glass of wine is not helping). My kids are looking at me and wondering why watching Ferris Bueller pay tribute to a dead director is making me teary eyed but as someone who would love to write a movie someday, they just don't get it. Holy Jesus Ally Sheedy got old and Judd Nelson clearly is living in a crack den off the I-5 is in south Los Angeles. Anthony Michael Hall clearly found a steroid dealer and Duckie is still an uber-nerd

Does Ben Stiller always pick the short straw when it comes to presenting in ridiculous costumes? Hey Ben, there's this thing called "pride" - you should look it up sometime.

Are Rachel McAdams and Elizabeth Banks the same people? I'm pretty sure they are. Jake Gyllenhall is rumored to be super-gay, which makes me sad because his puppy dog eyes aren't gay at all.

Taylor Hackford (husband of Helen Mirren) director extraordinaire once told me that if I moved to New york he'd put me in movie. I chose instead to waitress at a seafood restaurant in an upscale resort, because the cash is soooo much better.

When is Penelope Cruz going to learn some god damned English??

I would kill a homeless person in exchange for Meryl Streep's understated amazing square pave diamond earrings. Shit, I might even kill Meryl herself for those earrings.

Monique just won (once again does this mean she will no longer host "Charm Academy"?). If she can wear a white gardenia in her hair, I hope she can take the next step and shave her cankle legs.

Best Dressed? Nicole Richie, Cameron Diaz and Carrie Mulligan. I love Sarah Jessica Parker, but not a fan of her vintage Chanel or her 4 loaves of bread attached to her tiny Botox head. Speaking of Botox, where the hell is Nicole Kidman and Renee "I just sucked a lemon face" Zellwiger?

Crying men have no business onstage - I'm talking to you "almost lost my life" Avatar "Art Direction" dude.

When are they going to get to the dead people montage? I need another good cry..

Charlize Theron may be the most beautiful women on the planet, but that's no excuse for the rose-bud booby dress she's wearing. I don't care if Gianni Versace stepped down from heaven to make it for her, it's just not right.

Just got a comment from Sara Smile (thank you) and a new reader "Bruce". Not sure it it's Bruce Jenner (stepfather of the Kardashians) but either way always excited to have a new reader!!!

The "In Memoriam" always gets me. Just show me an old writer or a young cute actress who died of a prescription overdose and I am a babbling idiot. Watching adorable Brittany Murphy on the screen of death will def. make me think twice next time I reach for my migraine medicine or my barbarities.

Oscars are in the midst of the music awards which while important, are always a good excuse for the following: going to the bathroom; refilling my glass of Pinot Noir, making Pillsbury bake and eat sugar cookies.

Oh great, Gerad Butler and Bradley Cooper. Why don't they just say the "Herpes twins"?

I wish Kathleen Bigalow would plant an IED under James Cameron's seat (with a timer set to 2 minutes). I'm sure a bunch of money would explode and the house would go crazy.

Jason Bateman is onstage. I have to admit the 1980's sitcom "Its Your Move" was GENIUS. He'll never live up to that kind of comedy...

So happy "The Cove" won!! Nothing says Oscar like saving Dolphins from killers. Also Fisher Stevens was robbed for his work in "Short Circuit" so tonight he get's his due. Sadly, Parker and I both emailed each other about Fisher Stevens and his relationship with Michelle Pfieifer 25 years ago. We need a life.

Is it Keanu Reeves or Stephen Hawking? Seriously Keanu needs to stay at home and smoke his bong in lieu of announcing "best movie" nominees. Hurt Locker should win (just so I can yell "SUCK IT CAMERON" to my 50 inch Pioneer Plasma TV). But can't they get someone with brains like Zach Efron or one of the Bachelors to announce "The Hurt Locker"?

Quentin Taranto just smoked a bowl of crack of in the green room with Keanu Reeves or maybe Talyor Lautner. No other excuse for the amount of sweat pouring off his 10 foot chin.

Avatar Smavatar, I don't even want to see that movie. I would rather "The Crazies" take home best Oscar (see previous blog).

By the way my new Botox doesn't hold a candle to this super-powered Hollywood Botox that the stars get. I clearly need to head on up to Hollywood for a dose of the pure stuff because I still have a bit of a frown line and that shit just don't fly down here in the OC.

Michelle Pfeifer clearly lives in a Barometric chamber that delivers a nonstop stream of pure Oxygen. Fisher Stevens and his Oscar are shitting in their pants right now. Jeff Bridges? He didn't get the memo about the Barometric chamber...

Morgan Freeman and his freckles are nominated. Saw Morgan at the Four Seasons Beverly Hills last year - damn I regret not putting down my martini and dry humping him on the spot - just for shits and giggles. Oh well, he's totally going to lose to Jeff "crinkle face" Bridges. He just won - total payback for not winning for "StarMan" in the early 1980's.

Everyone's makeup is melting - can we get this show on the road? Just give the Oscar to Sandra Bullock already and move on. MOVE ON, I say...OK how can't you love "Precious" and her 27 yards of satin fabric. She is soo excited to be there. Too bad she's going to lose to Sandra - it's all good however, because she'll totally be doing bongs with Woody Harrelson at the Spago party in about 25 minutes. And then totally munching on spicy Sushi immediately after.


sarahsmile3 said...

Judd Nelson is going to give me nightmares.

Bruce said...

Following your blog on the Oscars ... your observations are gifted. You've found a new fan.

Anonymous said...

Well said, all of it! I swear Judd's nose area was green....rewind, you'll see it

Bruce said...

Sorry ... not Jenner; no house full of stepdaughters with oversizes trunks and inappropriate attitudes.

Big ups for Martin and Baldwin ... not so much for Monique. James Taylor is always a big plus, even even when a little off pitch and misused.

Your comments are dead on ... keep up the great work.

Anonymous said...

I'm cracking up; I googled to find out who them HELL that pile of toothpicks was next to James Cameron was and I came across this blog. It's very funny, I keep refreshing to see what you're going to say next!

angelsroy33 said...

So LOVE your comments as always! And I hate to say this, but I SO LOVE Jeff Bridges. I think he is GORGEOUS the way he looks right now.(Remember the Kris Kristofferson thing?) Yeah, I know I'm weird, I LOVE the older man look, always have, and always will. And thank you for not picking on my queen-mother, "Babs".

Val and Parker said...

Parker thinks Jeff Bridges is hot too (the Kris Kristofferson thing baffles me). I did send Parker a text saying I would be wearing Babs dress in 3 years, but you gotta love her. Kudos to Katheryn Bigelow for winning best director and film and "SUCK IT" James Cameron.

littlepeep said...

This was great! I should be paying bills; but I enjoyed the laugh. you have another fan.

Anonymous said...

I am so having an Oscar party next year for my BFF's. Commentary galore! I shouted, more than once, from my kitchen, "Where is your gay best friend?!" Stylist's are WAY overpd. for what they push out the door!
Love your blog BTW!!!

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