Saturday, July 26, 2008

Miley Profiling: No Fatties Allowed??

Like most girls her age, my 10 year old daughter, Ellie is a fan of Miley Cyrus, a.k.a. "Hannah Montana". Unlike most girls her age, she tends to keep her obsession on the
down low - no posters or tee shirts or mini-shrines in her room. A few months ago I reluctantly paid the $30 fee to join the Miley Cyrus fan club. For $30, we got a barrage of weekly emails (with beauty tips from Miley!) along with a Hannah Montana magnet and poster, which both sit in the back of Ellie's closet. 

Yesterday however, the fan club fee may have paid off. I received an email promoting free tickets to a Miley concert in Hollywood for MTV. Only 350 tickets would be given out so I needed to go online and apply stat. As most people know by now, a Miley Cyrus concert ticket is the Holy Grail of concert tickets. Sold on the black market (you know, Ebay) for upwards of $1200 a piece they are harder to come by than a Faberge Egg signed by Madonna. 

I immediately clicked on the link, which took me to a website that provides free tickets to upcoming televised concerts and talk shows such as The Jimmy Kimmel show and the oh-so-coveted-and-hard-to-come-by "Late Night with Carson Daly" show. Of course nothing is easy in this world and I had to first 'register' on the site before I could request tickets. 20 minutes later, I was clicking the "GET MILEY TICKETS HERE" link. Oh, not so fast, thunder thighs! A disclaimer immediately popped up, which stated: 
You MUST enter the following information before requesting tickets:
  • Race/Ethnicity
  • Hair Color
  • Eye Color (Really? What the?)
  • Height
  • Weight

Apparently, no Eskimos, redheads or fatties are welcome at the Miley concert. God forbid the camera might pan through the audience and see a 200 lb. redhead rocking out to "The Best of Both Worlds". No, if you want to attend, you better be rail thin and blond. I imagine blue eyes are preferred but I'm sure they'll accept a few hazels just to round out the group.  I actually felt
compelled to subtract 7 lbs from my real weight in hopes of being selected for tickets (Oh, the things we do for our kids).   

Honestly, if we are selected for tickets (right now our request is in, but the judges have yet to select us as the 'chosen ones'), I am tempted to show up in elaborate costume just to see if we can get through the "Gates O' Miley". I would love to show up in full Mormon Polygamist-wife garb: long blue ruffly dress with puffy sleeves and apron. No makeup (aside from eyebrow pencil, which I would carefully use to draw in a uni-brow) , my hair pulled back in a matronly bun and a set of the clunkiest clogs ever seen by mankind. As for Ellie, I would tart her up like Jodie Foster in" Taxi Driver": tank top, short-short skirt, high heels, pin curls, red lipstick and floppy hat. I'm pretty sure the producers would ban us on the spot, but it would be fun just the same.  

Of course the odds that we will actually get the tickets is just a pipe dream. Sadly, my daughter's only real chance of seeing Miley in concert is a $1200 ticket via EBay and she has a better chance of getting that Madonna-signed Faberge Egg.

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