I have nothing personal against Tori Spelling. Sure, she's a home wrecker and is paid a ton of money to have a camera follow her and her manservant around Hollywood while they do who-knows-what, but for all I know she may actually be as sweet as pie. And I'm not jealous that her first book, "sTori Telling" (which I'm sure she wrote alone without help as any idiot can see she has the brainpower capable of penning a noteworthy masterpiece) is currently #7 on Amazon.com's top 100 list of book sales. Fine Tori, whatever. The world is your oyster, have at it.
But I do have a problem with this: Tori has just announced that she is set to pen her second book, entitled "Mommywood" (a title which is amazingly original and not at all cliche). According to many sources, including the Postchronicle.com:
"Actress Tori Spelling is to tell about the joys and pains of motherhood in a new book. The 35-year old, who gave birth to her second child with husband (Gigolo) Dean McDermott last month, has signed a deal with publishers Simon & Schuster to pen her second (2nd? Wow! Is it Virginia Woolf or Tori Spelling?) tome, tentatively titled Mommywood."
At this point I had to stop reading. Last time I checked Simon & Schuster was a respectable publishing company. I'm pretty sure Tori doesn't have a degree in child psychology or literature. In fact, I'm doubtful Tori even has a degree from High School. Secondly, Tori has two children, both under the age of 2, so how long can her book about "motherhood" be? Shouldn't she wait until she has a little more mothering under her belt? Might it be wise to wait until the kids at least go through their terrible twos and the pain of puberty before dishing out advice to other moms? Do we really want to read about her and Dean's sleepless nights during Liam's first few months? Sheesh, it's not like they had to get up early to go to work the next day, as is the case for 99% of most parents. Will the masses laugh in unison over the time Tori got green baby caca on her 5-carat diamond wedding ring (which I'm sure she had to purchase since I haven't exactly seen Dean in a movie of the week lately) the first time she changed his shitty little diaper?
Listen, if Tori can raise her two little monsters in Hollywood and keep them from getting a DUI or entering rehab before their 18th birthday, then I say, "You go girl." Write that book and be proud. In the meantime, I can live without an account of Stella's spit up and Liam's first step. Please Tori, stick to your reality show and guest spot on the new 90210 - your brain will thank you.
PS: Get in line America! "Mommywood" is already available for pre-order on Amazon.com. It comes out April 29th of 2009. Holy Mackaral.