Much to my dismay I once again found myself watching (most) of the premier of Dancing with the Stars (that you've never heard of). Every year I anxiously start watching, trying to catch the "Dancing Fever" that for some reason captivates the rest of the country and inevitably after two or three episodes I find myself bored out of my mind and tuning into the Discovery Channel in favor of watching the plight of the Polar Bear over a 90's starlet in a glitter leotard doing the cha cha.
Needless to say this will likely be the last and only post about Dancing with The Stars (until season 9 starts up again). I missed a few of the early dancers, including Belinda Carlisle, who I really wanted to see because as a young teen I worshipped her and the Go-Go's. Belinda and I had a lot in common back in the day - we both had the curse of the chunk - but luckily with good bone structure, which forgave some of the fat-face syndrome. But then sometime around my senior year in High School, Belinda ditched the Go-Go's, got thin and sang that horrendous "Heaven is a Place on Earth" and our sisterhood was over.
Lucky for me I did get to see Steve O - who was surprisingly sober, kind of sweet, and - one of the shittiest dancers of all times. However lets be honest, unless he comes out half-naked with a slice of bologna stapled to his nutsack, this guy has no way in hell of making it much longer in the competition.
Denise Richards? One word: Fembot. Corky from "Life Goes On" has a quicker wit than this broad. Clearly, like the name of her amazingly fascinating E! reality show, much of life really is "Complicated" for this brainiac.
Steve Wozniak? I think I yelled out "Nerd Alert" about thirty times during his boogie times. He'd be better off if he danced on his Segway or (as my son suggested) developed a computer program that made a hologram of himself dancing while the real Steve W. sat in the Green Room playing Dungeons and Dragons. My son, who would rather watch a marathon of 1970's Young and The Restless episodes than a ballroom dancing competition walked in to the room right as the judge Bruno was animatedly waxing poetically over Steve's Telly Tubby Tango and said, "That guy has a weird accent, where's he from?" to which I deadpanned "Gay Island" and proceeded to laugh for the next 10 minutes. (Note: I totally love the gays and meant it in the nicest way).
I'm not even going to acknowledge the others because, to be honest I can't remember anyone else. I'm also not going to watch the results show (is their even a results show tonight?) because dog-gonnit, I have a life - and American Idol is on tonight!