Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Seriously. I Need to Get a Life.


Much to my dismay I once again found myself watching (most) of the premier of Dancing with the Stars (that you've never heard of). Every year I anxiously start watching, trying to catch the "Dancing Fever" that for some reason captivates the rest of the country and inevitably after two or three episodes I find myself bored out of my mind and tuning into the Discovery Channel in favor of watching the plight of the Polar Bear over a 90's starlet in a glitter leotard doing the cha cha. 

Needless to say this will likely be the last and only post about Dancing with The Stars (until season 9 starts up again). I missed a few of the early dancers, including Belinda Carlisle, who I really wanted to see because as a young teen I worshipped her and the Go-Go's. Belinda and I had a lot in common back in the day - we both had the curse of the chunk - but luckily with good bone structure, which forgave some of the fat-face syndrome.  But then sometime around my senior year in High School, Belinda ditched the Go-Go's, got thin and sang that horrendous "Heaven is a Place on Earth" and our sisterhood was over. 

Lucky for me I did get to see Steve O - who was surprisingly sober, kind of sweet, and - one of the shittiest dancers of all times. However lets be honest, unless he comes out half-naked with a slice of bologna stapled to his nutsack, this guy has no way in hell of making it much longer in the competition. 

Denise Richards? One word: Fembot. Corky from "Life Goes On" has a quicker wit than this broad. Clearly, like the name of her amazingly fascinating E! reality show,  much of life really is "Complicated" for this brainiac.

Steve Wozniak? I think I yelled out "Nerd Alert" about thirty times during his boogie times. He'd be better off if he danced on his Segway or (as my son suggested) developed a computer program that made a hologram of himself dancing while the real Steve W. sat in the Green Room playing Dungeons and Dragons. My son, who would rather watch a marathon of 1970's Young and The Restless episodes than a ballroom dancing competition walked in to the room right as the judge Bruno was animatedly waxing poetically over Steve's Telly Tubby Tango and said, "That guy has a weird accent, where's he from?" to which I deadpanned "Gay Island" and proceeded to laugh for the next 10 minutes. (Note: I totally love the gays and meant it in the nicest way). 

I'm not even going to acknowledge the others because, to be honest I can't remember anyone else. I'm also not going to watch the results show (is their even a results show tonight?) because dog-gonnit, I have a life - and American Idol is on tonight!
-val




4 comments:

Jenn said...

1) I can't think of Denise Richards in any role other than the one I saw her in; as that chick in Drop Dead Gorgious who killed a lot of pagent contestants
and
2) I think they're scraping the bottom of the barrel for these things. What's next season? Kathy Griffin and Dustin Diamond?

A Chicken said...

There is a results show...next Tuesday! They're combining the votes from the first 2 weeks.
I hate to admit I was looking forward to this & curled up on the couch with a bag of microwaved popcorn & a bottle of rum to watch.
I thought Belinda was good, I think she will go far. I also liked that the fat geek had such a good attitude about it... although someone who is too lazy to walk & rides a Segway everywhere shouldn't have really signed up for a dance show.

Val and Parker said...

No Kidding - if you ride a Segway, dancing is probably not your forte. I love how you watched it with a "bottle of Rum" - inebriation always makes ballroom dancing more exciting.

Also, Jen - I would actually watch Dancing every week if Kathy Griffin was a contestant, I have to admit I love her bitchy sarcasm.

Jenn said...

I love her, too, god help me. I hope her show comes back for another season. I heard she got a book deal, too (for several million dollars). She isn't on Bravo enough anymore. (But Housewives of NYC will tide me over till she comes back.)